now even breathing feels alright

lyric from an Alexi Murdoch song. it was just playing and so i decided to make it the subject. that's that.

i figured i would leave you with something other than lame updates from the drug class. thanks for being there with me this afternoon while i was doing the reading. it actually helped me through. and now i feel like i've cracked the surface and i start to catch up on week 2. wanna come? you do?! great! so, we'll do it together again. sometimes it's easier for me to think about things in terms of a blog entry.

like that time i needed to write a paper for some class. but i just couldn't get started. so i wrote the paper in my livejournal. i don't think i posted the entry. in that case, it was easier to write the paper in the blog than it was to write it in Word.

anyways. i'm thinking about working on week 2 monday night. are you busy? i could do live updating. Drug Education: Live! i don't know. we'll see. i would set a time for us all to meet, but i would probably procrastinate that time until the very end of the night.

i just finished watching this movie, The Last Word. i think i told you i rented it. Winona Ryder and Wes Bentley. Wes Bentley is the kid from American Beauty. her neighbor next door who records everything on video. befriends Kevin Spacey. Chris Cooper's son. that kid. he looked pretty much the same in this movie as he did in American Beauty.

in this movie his job was to write people suicide notes. he was a poet. it was really beautiful.

it reminded me of in Love in the Time of Cholera where he writes people love letters. only like, kind of the opposite. and so he writes a suicide note for Winona Ryder's brother and they meet at his funeral. and then kind of start dating. but, i didn't like her at all. and i didn't like their relationship.

and so, it followed their relationship and his relationship with a new client, played by Everybody Loves Ray Romano. i liked their relationship way better.

hmmm.....curious that i'm writing about suicide notes and Elliott Smith's 'Needle in the Hay' starts to play. hmmm......curious. but great song. and he was a hampshire grad!

(that was a reference to The Royal Tenenbaums. not a reference to Elliott's death. do we know if he committed suicide or not? last i heard, it was debatable. anyone have any updated info, please let me know.)

anyways. this movie took place in LA. which, again made me want to move there. and live in Silverlake. because that's where they went for all the cool coffee shops.

but, i don't think i would want to write people's suicide notes. i just don't think i would be good at it. i mean, these were really beautiful. reading them would make me want to live so i could try and write beautiful things like that. he was good at it. and although i suppose you could say it was a sad job, i really respected him. he really respected and was non-judgemental about the people who came to him. and i appreciated that because sometimes i think that,

well, i don't know what i think. i guess i sometimes think that people judge others for committing suicide. like, they are being selfish. like there's no other way out. well, maybe there is no other way out. although i think there is always something to live for, maybe sometimes having something to die for is just as important.

i really have no idea what i'm saying. i think this is coming at the end of a long day reading about drugs, and listening to the shins, ryan adams, and now, elliott smith.

i bought twizzlers at the store tonight. when i went out for eye drops. i saw the twizzlers and kind of bought them without even thinking about it. i saw Mickey Rourke eating some in SPUN. and that image, mixed with the drug reading made me want candy.

have i told you about this business in barrington, new hampshire. it's on Route 125. it's called Sugar and Ice. and its address is 555 Route 125. everytime i drive past it i think to myself, "front business." doesn't it sound like a front business for a drug dealer?!? Sugar and Ice are probably code names for all kinds of drugs. and the address 555? um, that's the fake area code they use in the movies. has anyone else picked up on this?! i've never actually been in there. i'm sure it's a nice, family run business just like they say on the website. it just makes me laugh everytime.

anyways. i'm working monday morning 8-9. you should probably expect another update. not sure how many exciting things will happen in between now and then. that's like 5.5 hours away. i guess i could have another exciting dream where a national monument disappears. no, i don't want that. that really did scare me.

i want to find a park on top of a hill. that's my new goal. and i want to go there and sit by myself.

Ruby Tuesday has been crying allllll day. she cried so much when i got back from running my errand. and she's just been so clingy. i don't think she liked it that i went away for kara's birthday. right now she's sitting under the blanket on my lap. i played the song Ruby Tuesday for her today and she seemed to like it.

ok. i might go to bed soon. no plans for monday. maybe find a park. maybe do my drug class. probably not find a park because i just remembered that i don't like being outside.

maybe i'll do some writing. i was reading through some stories that i have written today and i liked them. not stories that i wrote today, but i was reading them today. i read this one i wrote about these high school kids that have a band. i actually thought it was pretty good. and reading it made me want to finish it. i wrote 19 pages and then just stopped! i have so many unfinished stories. that's a good story because the dialogue is really good.

i think maybe i want to become a writer. but maybe that should be the last thing i do when i grow up. that way i could write about being a lighthouse keeper. and being president of the motion picture academy of arts and sciences. and write about my jewelry store. and my time as a professional blogger. and a security guard for a major hollywood studio lot. and a ship captain.

man, there is just not enough time in life.

oh, and an overnight residential counselor for a home for pregnant and parenting teenage girls. that's what i'm doing right now.

i'm worried about the ship captain idea. because, nobody really travels by boat anymore. i don't want to work on a cruise ship. and i don't want to become a pirate. something in the middle? i want to lead some sort of oceanic expedition. HELL YEAH!!! that's what i wanna do. ok, send me your ideas.

OK. i could lead an oceanic expedition and blog about it. and then i'm crossing two things off my list!!!!!

oh man i'm excited about this. let me know if you want to become part of my crew.

oh geeze. i just don't know what i want to be. all those things on that list are completely unrelated. i am 23 years old. i have to start figuring things out. sometimes i am just lost, ya know? i feel a lot of the time that i am lost. how do i START? how do i GO? i need to pull off the invisibility cloak from the statue of liberty and start doing things.

does anyone actually take me seriously? sometimes i feel that my sense of reality is severely impaired. and other times i just get annoyed at other people for making me feel that way.

maybe i'll go to france tomorrow and buy that lighthouse that is for sale. what's stopping me? money? yes. but who cares? i don't care about that. maybe i'll just trade in my car.

i want to live in paris.

i'm tired of feeling limited.

here's the thing: i feel like i am always thinking, "ugh, i need to get out of this place." does that mean that i just haven't found the right place? or that i'm just never satisfied? i got out of maine. out of berwick. i left amherst. and now i'm getting tired of lebanon.

i'm going to go to sleep now. i'm getting mad at myself. and i need to stop before i get totally upset with my life.

but this has made me smile today.


Theres no time to lose, I heard her say
Catch your dreams before they slip away
Dying all the time
Lose your dreams
And you will lose your mind.
Aint life unkind?